If Things Were Different
by DanH2010
Summary: Jane's thoughts on if things were different.


**If Things Were Different…..**

**A/N one shot, an idea that came to me while I was writing Take from Me, its in the style of a letter to Lisbon.**

**Enjoy**

**DanH2010 :D x**

**(X)**

If things were different I wouldn't be here, I'd be living my other life in Malibu having no idea that the four of you existed, having no idea how much you'd all mean to me. I'd be oblivious to the evils in the world, happy with my child and wife….or so I thought. I often wonder how different things would have turned out. Would Angela and I had another child? Would I still be a con man swindling innocent people out of their money? So many paths a life could take…if things were different.

If things were different I'd have never met you. I'd never known the beauty of your face. Your enchanting emerald eyes, long raven black hair, the quick contagious smile forever adorning your lips, what I would have missed. I wonder what if I had met you back then? Would I have dismissed you as some insignificant little person who didn't even appear on my radar…..possibly. I know if I had met you, you would have hated me. You would have seen through me as you always do. I would have missed the chance of sparring with you. Missed getting to know you over drinks and pizza. Missed finding your limit before you get tempted to pull out your gun and shoot me…..if things were different.

If things were different we could have been together, I could tell you how you make me feel with just a single look. Your smile, when your annoyed at me, frustrated. Anything, anytime I wanted, I could pull you close, hold you, kiss you, tell you that I love you and have done for so long….if things were different.

If things were different you wouldn't have met someone else, someone who wasn't a coward like me. Someone who could offer you security and protection. After being with him I knew how happy you were, and you still totally unaware of how much you meant to me. Mashburn knew he wanted you and pursued you, that could have been me…..if things were different.

If things were different I wouldn't have to be alone. Red John wouldn't exist. He wouldn't have stolen my life from me then, and it still wouldn't be continuing now. I wouldn't be scarred irreparedly, I wouldn't have been scared to grab at the happiness that was within my reach…..if things were different.

If things were different I wouldn't have had to tell you that I felt nothing for you, I wouldn't have had to push you away from me, to break your heart and my own simultaneously. I wouldn't have had to keep her safe from the mad man who hounds my existence. I thought I was pushing you to Mashburn, towards safety and love. A long life with a family. No I wouldn't have had to do that…if things were different.

Unfortunately Teresa, life doesn't change…

(X)

Jane rose from his couch lethargically. He folded up his letter to Lisbon carefully and placed it in a envelope. Licked the gum then sealed it. He walked around to his co-workers desks and left a envelope for each of them. These letters basically told them how much they meant to him. They were his family and Red John….. Jane was better off alone in the world. He walked into Lisbon's office and hesitated at her desk. He saw a picture of all of them framed on the wall, they had caught a notorious serial killer terrorising girls, they had had been in the paper. Cho was stood back straight, arms crossed his face solemn. Graces face alive with joy, smiling widely. Rigsby smiling smugly into the camera. He and Lisbon were stood side by side, he had been ribbing her good naturedly that day, her face to someone who didn't know her was completely neutral, her eyes though, the eyes that couldn't lie to him sparkled with unspoken vengence. There was another one of the 5 of them at a charity ball. Lisbon looking breathtaking in a red dress. Cho and Rigsby looking smart but uncomfortable in their tux's. Grace beautiful in a traditional way. He placed it quickly back on the desk.

If things were different he wouldn't be leaving now, he knew the necessity of it. He should have known it long ago, he was a stubborn arrogant fool, someone like that could only fall and fall he had! Now he knew the security of being alone, knew that caring was a one way track to misery, and God knows he had enough of that to last a life time! He knew his days were numbered, it was a matter of time now, not if but when it was his turn to suffer. He couldn't say his goodbyes in person, it was better this way. He placed Lisbon's letter beside that photo and swallowed thickly.

"Goodbye Teresa." he whispered.

He entered the lift and closed his eyes. He felt the jolt as the descent began, it was almost a physical thing within him, with every floor that lowered so did his mood. A black depression descended upon him. He exited the double doors of the CBI for the final time. His eyes downcast as he walked out. He usually enjoyed the warm suns rays upon his face, he'd turn his face heavenward and soak them in, but now that warmth only reminded him of how cold and empty he was inside.

"Patrick Jane?" a man asked.

He looked up, smiled wryly at the man he had been expecting. "Hello Red John, I wondered when I'd be seeing you."

"I told you the end was near."

Jane shrugged. "You did." his smile suddenly wide. "But so is yours, that pathogen will finish you soon enough!"

Red John rose a gun quickly, pointed it at his head, point blank range. "I hope you think poisoning me was worth it Patrick."

Jane wasn't sure it was, the cost had been great, it had been what he wanted though, just not like it had happened...

"Say hello to your family for me." Red John spat then pulled the trigger.

Jane didn't move, he knew that if red John killed him then no one else would have to suffer. No one else would have to lose. Red John would die and all the heartache would die with him. It was a small sacrifice so he welcomed this end.

An explosion echoed, then there was a blinding flash in front of his eyes. There was a sharp piercing pain in his skull, the world around him seemed to be falling down. He lay on the ground un moving, buzzing in his ears, everything growing dimmer and dimmer. He saw Lisbon approaching him her arms open wide, then all went black and silent.

(X)

Hightower walked through the CBI offices a few days later. She was the lead investigator in the tragedy that had befell them. There was an eerie silence throughout the building, everyone felt an unified sense of mourning. She walked into Lisbon's office holding 4 envelopes in her hand. She sat down in Lisbon's chair…..well not her chair anymore, not even her office. She pondered Janes thoughts before he died.

See, if things were different then she wouldn't be here investigating.

If things were different then 5 people would still be alive.

If things were different then Jane would have to live with the guilt that plagued him, then finally had his chance to kill Red John then have more guilt piled on when Red John systematically killed each one of their team without their knowledge. By the time they moved in Jane had been informed very graphically of their deaths...

She looked at the words on Lisbon's letter she could bring herself to read the contents, she could guess it by the plea on the envelope. It was a simple wish really, an impossible dream but something that Jane wanted deep within his heart.

'_I wish things were different.'_


End file.
